How to Poop During a Zoom Meeting and Not Get Caught

How to Poop During a Zoom Meeting and Not Get Caught

Sorry, everyone—I’m going to have to take this meeting off-line, the executive said to her employees with a grin and an air of confidence she didn’t feel inside. But don’t worry; I’ll still be able to hear all of your ideas even if I can’t see you in person. And with that, she quickly stood up and walked into the bathroom, knowing full well that everyone was waiting anxiously on the other side of the door.

About three years ago…

I was sitting in the bathroom at work when I saw something that made me angry: One of my female colleagues used the stall next to mine. In the process, she knocked on my stall door so that she could make up an excuse.

Fast forward to three years later, I’m employed at Charmin as its Director of Product Innovation.

The History of Zoom

Zoom has made video chat accessible for all. Now anyone can have face-to-face conversations with people all over the world, at any time. One of their most popular features is the ability to do full HD audio and video calls on an iPad or laptop computer.

One Person, Two Cameras

I’ve had way too many meetings with people who have needed to take care of business (pardon the pun). And, more often than not, I don’t want them on my camera. However, what if they do it while they’re using mine? It can be tricky because when you start recording from your own camera, it shows up on theirs. And then we’re both distracted.

Zooms Don’t Have See-Through Screens

At first glance, you might think that Zooms are the perfect place for you to sneak off for some alone time. As we all know, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. Zooms have soundless meetings, which means anyone sitting in your meeting can hear everything.

 A Phone Call, Not a Zoom Meeting

No one likes doing it, but most of us end up there at some point. Sitting in a meeting or waiting for the doctor’s appointment with the terrible urge to go and no means of privacy, we know this is going to be a mortifying episode. You feel your face get hot, beads of sweat form on your forehead. And yet you have no choice but to hold it in until you can find someplace where you can go quietly without being heard.

Invisible Tasks Are Possible

Innovative technology like the Virtual Assistant from Zirtual, Invisible Computer from Logitech, or this new Charmin toilet bot are all aiming to make life easier. It may seem silly at first, but it’s actually not as crazy as it sounds. We spend countless hours per day staring at our computer screens so why not just sit on the toilet while in a work meeting and no one will know? It’s the perfect companion when you need some privacy while also getting some things done.

The Digital Companion Is Here!

Is it really possible? The answer is yes. There are some tricks that can help you discreetly poop at work, but it’s not as easy as one might think. First of all, the ickyness of poop must be taken into consideration; there are many things that happen in the bathroom which do not need to be described or known about for hygiene purposes. Secondly, the physicality of pooping makes for a difficult act. You will have to try and conceal your movements, both with your hand on the door handle so that no one will know you are gone from your desk. It is important when returning from the bathroom to wash hands thoroughly before continuing work–and it never hurts to carry around wet wipes so you can clean up immediately upon returning from the restroom.

 Where are they now? (they still don’t have see-through screens)

Despite its efforts, Intel is far from being the first company with a see-through screen. But even with these innovations coming in fast, it’s still going to be awhile before they become commonplace. Why? Because we’re still pretty gross when we poop at work.

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